Resentful, Regretful, Remorseful. The three R's of success!

Dear Diary,


I let my girlfriend read the previous entry, before I edited it. No reason to edit it now.

I talked to Sahga (fellow guild-leader of eXistenZ, my World of Warcraft guild), as he has a relationship that in many ways resembles my own (Long distance, age difference between guy and girl, some of the same problems, etc). What he asked me, is 'Is it really worth it ? Is all the grief, worth whatever it is you are getting?'.

Yeah, it is. She's the most incredible, most beautiful, most wonderful girl that I was lucky enough to bump into one time a few years ago. I hope so much, that the grief ends, some day. Because it breaks my heart, sadly. But I will continue, broken heart or none, because while she is the only person who can really break my heart, she is also the only person who can mend it again. And she doesn't mean any of the things she does in a bad way, she doesn't purposefully hurt me (I hope) or my feelings.

I just wish... I wish,the grief would end. I can hold in psychological pain, I can ignore it. I'm good at that. I've done it all my life. I don't like to blame other people, if theres even the slightest chance that its myself. So I hold it in, forgive and forget. Thats why I didn't mention anything to her today.

I want her to enjoy her vacation, and her time spent there. I don't want to trouble her with worries, even when I think its her causing it.

And that's the burden I've chosen to bear. And I bear it willingly, clasping to the hope that one day it won't be a burden anymore.

I really can't begin to express my feelings for her, I would do anything for her. Perhaps thats the problem. What she wants, she gets, even from me. Compromise in our relationship means that things go her way, or they go her way another way. I'll live with it the rest of my life if I have to, it'd just be nice if it wasn't like that.

Oh well...

Who knows.